Panthserv's 2015 Christmas Special

Panthserv's 2015 Christmas Special

NOTE: The only thing I got that was intresting this year was "Yoshi's Woolly World" and "Mario Tennis Ultra Smash" both for Wii U.

For 2015's Christmas Special, we're kicking it off with a game of Real Lives 2007 in Chin - "You have died at age 0 of asphyxia in childbirth." Of course. OF COURSE. Let's reroll and pretend that never happened. Okay, here we go. We're going to be living in Vietnam this time around because why not? We get epileptic seizure at age TWO followed by whooping cough. At 17 years old, I graduate but do not qualify for college for some reason. I also meet my first girlfriend, go into vocational school, and get a job. At age 19 we are married. We get a 2.6M job and we're forced to report to military services. Damn it. At age 27, our house is broken into and 22 million units of money are stolen. DOH. At age 35 we have to lie to cover up another lie but it doesn't work properly. Now I was robbed of 36 million units of money! At age 43, my character's father dies at age 65 of pneumonia. Then 5.6 million units of money are burglarized. Hookworms come in five years later and - "You have died at age 48 from an epileptic seizure." OH COME ON. That's a ninja death! One last thing: do not do  anti-government activities if the corruption rate is too high. You could lose your job, get arrested by security forces/police, tortured, sentenced to jail, or even killed instantly regardless of health value. Notice I didn't emigrate? You CAN, but it costs a lot of money to do legally. You can pay less to do it illegally, but you can be caught and sent back to your original country or even killed instantly.

XMAS Doom (XMAS_LVL.WAD, E1M1) is next, so let's get started. I'd like to add that this is going to playing this with Guncaster, one of the best Doom PWADS ever made. Here's a taste-sized sample of it. You play as Cygnis Flaynithere, descendant of Nithor, and all your guns are replaced by extremely powerful versions of them. Your pistol is now a longhorn, which is strong enough to gib an imp in one hit. In fact, our first 10 enemies are imps. Then we kill a shotgunner and pick up his shotgun, which is actually a "strucker" shotgun. So we walk around the city, killing reindeer (demons), shotgunners, and zombiemen alike. Then we see a skull shooting bullets at us in a pit. That's the Spider Mastermind, and we don't have the weapons to kill him yet. With Cygnis' powers, we can actually jump over the pit, but we're not going to. We come across a Soverign Rocket Launcher, which is way better than vanilla's rocket launcher. To pick up the blue keycard, we need to go in a theatre and shoot down some more enemies. Before we get to the blue keycard door, we pick up a "Pulverizer" chaingun. Wait... we can actually RUN AROUND the pit, blast the Baron with out chaingun, and flip the switch to end the level! OOPS! This is why you test your PWADs before uploading them! Then again, this one was made in 1994, a time where most PWADs uploaded were awful. There were a few exceptions, like the Aliens TC that predated Doom II by only a month or two, but that was mostly blamed on the fact that 1994's WAD-making tools weren't as advanced as they are now in 2015 (soon to be 2016). In fact, the very first PWAD was made with a HEX-EDITING tool as far as i know. ORIGWAD only has a few things in it. Two rooms, a shotgunner, four imps, and two Barons of Hell. Not much at all.

Let's dig out our shovelware CDs and see what we have. "Jiji and the Mysterious Forest"... let's go check it out. You begin as a male cat named Jiji walking around a forst. You have to go to the left to begin with. You'll see two silvervine fruit, so pick them. These can be eaten with the lunch command to restore some of Jiji's health. So we go to a big tree, and Jiji lays cozily by the root of the tree. In no time at all, he's in his sleep. This completely restores his health. Jiji comes to a big lake next, so let's take a little dip and catch some fish. He almost drowns, which is... okay I guess. Eventually you'll come across a tree to your path. "What should I do. This is the only path." Turns out Mr. Camphor Tree is sleeping soundly. If you take too many naps under the wrong shade of a tree, get this. You run out of the time and you're forced to quit the entire game. What kind of game design is this? Let's try that again and - "The enemy suddenly appears!" Yep that's right, this game has turn-based combat in it. You can scratch, jiji punch, have lunch, or try to run. Our enemy is a dog, and after scratching it three times, it dies. Pay attention to what Jiji says as the fight goes on. He has a small invisible life bar, so be careful. When he says "Huff, Puff" you better eat a strawberry or a silvervine. If you don't, Jiji may die and it's Game Over. Getting a Game Over doesn't just send you back to the last checkpoint, no. It sends you back to the beginning, which is total BS. This is what you're supposed to do. Trigger the tree and sleep on the tree to the south. A strawberry will tumble and Jiji will go down a hole - head first. You'll run into Mr. Mole, but he doesn't have anything intresting to say. Maybe he keeps talking about your strawberry and how to get out. We do that, pick up more fruit, and fight more dogs. Then we run into Mr. Bear. "Is something wrong? Can I be of any assistance?" Turns out that Mr. Camphor has suddenly fallen and died for whatever reason. We need to somehow get some water from the tree to wake him up. We come across a spring. "As Jiji was taking out a strawberry from his waist belt, his hand trembled. The strawberry slips from his fingers and fell into the spring." Then you meet a godness, and you can answer her question. If you answer yes, I think it's an instant Game Over regardless of how much health you have left. If you say no, you get strawberries. We go around and try to help the talking tree up, but he's too old to get up. So we have to go around again. When we do, we get told we have to go west in order to get Mr. Bear's parents to help out. We get there, and the bears stop wild encounters from happening. "I brought them, sir!" So they help get the tree up. "Jiji doesn't have a home to return to. Jiji suddenly began running. He ran and ran. Yes, Jiji. Go fourth and fulfill your dream of finding the country of fish." Then the game ends and you win.

Last up is WinRace. This is NOT a good game by any stretch of the imagination. Your goal is to go around the track and try to finish in the fastest time possible. Alas, this is not Gran Turismo, Mario Kart, or any good racing game. It is so bad that it is possible to "cheat" by mashing O at the start of the race. In this way, you can win in 0.2 seconds. "Well done, you have "finished" the race. Why not try again without cheating?" Anyway, if you hit any part of the track boundaries... "Unfortunately, you crashed and did not finish the race." All you get for finishing the race the real way is this "Well done, you have finished the race. Why not try again to get a better time? Your time was: <your final time> seconds." My best time was 12.7 seconds.

I hope you enjoy your Christmas, and have a happy new year too!